Too Young to be This Cynical
by Myriad Nice
Summary: Little snippets of what Todd and Neil's life would be like if they didn't turn out to be such good friends.
**(A/N: Just as a point of reference, the regular text is in 'real time' whereas italics are previous conversations that occurred under similar circumstances. Hope you emjoy!)**

* * *

Neil pushed open the door to his room. The old oak was heavy, and Neil had to place his palms flat against the surface in order to get it to budge. A low creaking noise grew in volume the further the door went inside the room. Neil rolled his eyes, a low creaking noise growing in volume the farther he pushed the door inside the room. He squeezed through the opening, sucking in air in order to get by. Once on the other side, Neil leaned against the door, allowing it to close under his pressure. He wouldn't be able to in trouble if he was inside his room.

He looked expectantly at his roommate, waiting for him to stir from his slumber. Neil saw his toes tick and knew that his head would move next and then his eyes. Those blue eyes would land directly on him, wide and accusing.

"Hello?" Came the sharp voice that Neil was expecting.

"It's just me, Todd," Neil said. His voice was calm, almost bored.

 _"How long were you gone?" Sleep permeated his voice. Neil could practically feel Todd's exhaustion from across the room. It had to be at least three in the morning._

 _"I left a few hours ago – it's a fifteen minute walk to the cave."_

 _"Who did you go with?" Todd asked. He sat up slightly, making a small attempt to turn on the lamp. When his arm couldn't reach the cord he dropped back to his mattress._

 _"Charlie, Knox, Pitts, Cameron, Meeks – ya know, the guys. You know you're more than welcome to come along," Neil said. His voice was amiable and his face inviting. The shadows covered the crinkles by his eyes, but his smile still radiated in the darkness. It seemed to pull enough attention._

 _"What do you guys do?"_

 _"We just hang out, smoke, drink whenever someone gets something. It's a good time," Neil said. He let out a little chuckle, about to go off on a story about something that happened an hour before._

 _"Ahh. That would explain the smell," Todd said._

 _Neil's laughter died in his throat. He swallowed uncomfortably, pulling lightly at the collar of his gray sweater. "Oh, yeah. I guess the menthols do kind of reek. Haha. You're still more than welcome to join though!"_

 _"I don't really smoke or drink." Todd's voice was drawn. The disinterest was clear, and Neil felt his heart rush. This was not what you wanted._

 _"Well, you don't have to! Not everyone smokes–"_

 _"It just doesn't seem like something I'd be interested in," Todd said. Neil watched him for a moment, watched the way his blue eyes traveled for the door to the ceiling and finally to the wall. Neil watched as he rolled over, pulled the blankets closer to his chest, and closed his eyes._

"Just go back to bed," Neil said. His shoulders sagged as he made his way from the door to his bed, careful not to disturb his roommate any further.

 **-x-**

"Isn't it kind of sad how he eats alone?" Cameron asked, gazing across the cafeteria. "Do you think we should invite him to sit with us?"

Four pairs of eyes turned to stare directly at the boy across the cafeteria. His dirty blond hair was smoothed against his forehead, which was tilted towards the bologna sandwich he was shoving in his mouth. The bite he took was too big, and he did his best to shove it down, grabbing for the glass of water.

Neil looked away, the top of his lip curling inward as he realized within seconds that it was his roommate, Todd. "Why? So we can hear him choke on bologna five inches from our face? No thanks."

"I bet you hear it real good when he's choking on yours," Pitts said. A devious smirk graced his face as the boys around him laughed.

Neil glared directly at his smug friend. "Shut up, _Gerry_."

"I bet Todd wouldn't call me that. Maybe we'll go all be his friend," Pitts said. He stuck his tongue out at Neil, who merely feigned a snarl in response.

The rest of the table laughed and continued eating. Charlie shoved a carrot up Knox's nose thirty seconds later and it seemed like the whole conversation involving Todd was dropped.

 _"There are social dynamics when it comes to the cafeteria – you have the lowerclassmen and the upperclassmen. Each one has their own sort of group, and since we're already upperclassmen we can kind of kick anybody around. Not that we really do, but we definitely get the seats we want."_

 _Todd looked up from the book he was reading at his desk. "Oh, that's cool. Do you have to eat in the cafeteria?"_

 _"I mean, no." Neil's face scrunched at question Todd posed. "But where else would you really want to eat?"_

 _Todd shrugged. "I don't know. I'm just not used to eating in a cafeteria."_

 _"All right, well… If you ever feel like eating there, you're more than welcome to join our table with all the other soccer guys. It's a real laugh, honestly." Neil was about to go into detail about the time that Hagar yelled at them for eating with their non-dominant hand, but was stopped by Todd's quick, "Thanks. I'll keep it in mind."_

 _It wouldn't have bugged Neil so much if it hadn't seemed so insincere or if he wasn't being ignored in favor of Plato's Republic._

The tension in Neil's shoulders didn't go away until much later that day.

 **-x-**

Neil paced around the room. After being out in the courtyard for today's lesson, he could not sit still. There was something invigorating about the thought of conformity and getting away from all of that. There was something so powerful about being an individual and walking with your own strides. Or, in Charlie's case, not walking at all. Energy ran through every nerve ending in Neil's body; he felt like he would explode if he were to stop moving. He looked over at Todd's desk.

The light-haired boy was reading a copy of James Joyce's _Ulysses,_ the thick book split halfway. His other school books were piled neatly around him with the notebooks and pencils pushed off to the other side. His desk set sat neatly in the middle of all his stuff. There was a picture of his family off to the left corner.

" _What's got you so jazzed today, Neil? You can hardly sit still." Todd let out a small chuckle, observing as Neil hopped from one surface to the next._

 _Neil climbed up on his desk, ducking so his head wouldn't hit the ceiling. He leaped onto his bed, mindful of his head, before crossing his eyes at Todd. He hopped down from the bed, spreading his arms out before hopping onto Todd's. Neil placed his hands on his hips, standing in a mock Superman position as he asked, "Why are you so uninspired today?"_

 _Todd scoffed. "I'm no more uninspired than I was yesterday, but it may have to do with this monster." He held up the large book, the word "Ulysses" in sharp blue along the top, a bookmark peeking out from the first few pages._

" _Well, you should be just as 'jazzed' as I am. You were in Keating's class, weren't you?" Neil dropped his hands and fell onto the bed, kicking his feet out so he could easily bounce off the bed and land with his feet on the floor._

" _Well, yeah. Obviously. You saw me there," Todd said, rolling his eyes._

" _So, you heard what he had to say._ Carpe Diem _." Neil paused for dramatic effect. "Didn't that send a chill down your back?"_

 _Todd laughed. "Not really."_

" _Did it get your heart pumping or your blood boiling or something?" Neil asked, almost expectant._

" _No…" Todd paused as if waiting for the punch line._

 _Neil looked at him. Exasperation clear in his voice. "Don't you feel anything?"_

" _Of course I feel!" Todd's nostrils flared. He balked at Neil, lashing back as if he was verbally stung. The book dropped to the desk with a thud._

" _Then why don't you show it?" Neil asked. He gave Todd a slight shove in the shoulder. He swayed, but his lips remained downturned._

" _Because it wouldn't be as well-received," Todd said, his voice cold._

" _What are you talking about? We're equals here–"_

" _No, we're not," Todd said suddenly. "We're not equals. People listen to you, Neil. People just don't… They don't bother with me."_

 _Neil's breath stopped as Todd looked directly at him. There was hurt and vulnerability in his bright, blue eyes. Neil watched as Todd's gaze dropped back to his desk as he picked up the text and thumbed through it aimlessly, too quickly to truly be read._

" _What are you talking about? There are plenty of people who ca–"_

" _No, there aren't. People wouldn't care."_

 _Neil gritted his teeth. "Of course people care! You have family, friends–"_

 _Todd laughed, shrill and disbelieving. "Right. Okay."_

" _Can you stop interrupting me for a goddamn second? Jesus." Neil tugged on his hair, straining to keep his voice at an even tone. "Maybe if you got your nose out of a book and were actually brave enough to face the stuff that Keating is showing us and took stuff to heart you might see that are people that care about you. Or could care if you let them in."_

 _Todd gripped the closed book and looked ready to pop a vein. His hands were shaking and his breathing was uneven. He wouldn't look Neil in the eyes._

 _Neil waited._

" _You're a bully," Todd said after some time. His voice was flat, accusing. "You're acting like you care, but you really don't. You're just trying to bully me into liking you."_

" _What are you talking about, Todd?" He was exasperated. His voice high and strung out. Every bone in his body felt like somebody was setting it on fire. "You're alienating yourself here, not me."_

 _Todd shook his head. "You're just a bully, Neil, and I want nothing to do with you."_

Neil grabbed the sweater he threw over the chair at his desk and slipped it on over his white uniform shirt. He then grabbed the pack of menthols off the desk, putting them right into his pocket. He thumbed them, the nervous energy still not out of his system.

Neil left the room in search of his friends, looking for a quick trip to the woods while Todd was left to read his book in the harsh Wednesday light.


End file.
